Getting Better

So I'm starting to sleep again... Actually it's become the opposite where I now just want to sleep! I think it's moved from emotional stress to emotional exhaustion but as ridiculous as it sounds, I would rather sleep than not... Other than being in Vegas, I have never stayed up, especially just laying in bed in the dark, all night at home before & well, it was shitty.

For some reason last night, the song, "All Cried Out" got into my head & so I looked up the lyrics. Sans it being about a relationship, this is basically how I eventually want to end up... I am happy to say about 77% there yet I just need to release the last 23%. That will most likely happen by the end of the week!

If you don't know the song or can't remember it, I linked it in the title. I was originally was going to post the mid 90's remake but I thought that we all (well, maybe just me) needs a good laugh & to feel a lil better so I have posted it OG with Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam. Enjoy an "as legit as it was" 80's video!

All Cried Out

[Girl]
All alone on a Sunday morning
Outside I see the rain is falling, whoa...
Inside I'm slowly dying
But the rain will hide my crying, crying, crying
And you
Don't you know my tears will burn the pillow
Set this place on fire 'cause I'm tired of your lies
All I needed was a simple "Hello"
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear my cry

I, I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure
My heart never knew such pain
And you, you leave me so confused
Now I'm all cried out
Over you

[Boy]
Oh you, all over you, ooh....

Never wanted to see things your way
I had to go astray
Oh, why was I such a fool
Now I see that the grass is greener [Girl: Why, oh why...]
Is it too late for me to find my way home
How could I be so wrong?

[Girl]
Leaving me all alone

Don't you know the hurt will cause an inferno
Romance up in flames
Why should I take the blame?
You were the one who left me neglected [Boy: Oh, no no no...I'm so sorry]
Apology not accepted
Add me to the broken hearts you've collected

I, I gave you all of me [Boy: Gave me all of you]
How was I to know
You would weaken so easily
I, I don't know what to do
Now I'm all cried out [Boy: I'm all...]
Over you [Boy: All cried out too...whoa, whao..]

[Girl]
I, I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure
My heart never knew such pain
And you

[Boy]
I left you so confused!
Now I'm all cried out

[Girl]
Now I'm all cried out
Over you......

ugh, this sucks.

**Editor's note: Flat out- I'm a mess. Because of that, some posts may be really strong & emotionally driven. Things will come out that some people won't agree with & some that may make others think I should be in a padded room. Please know that I am on here to show I don't need the padded room. When I'm not & you're worried, then contact to make sure I wasn't transferred to one.**

It's 2:06 am & I can't sleep. Today really kicked my ass. I haven't had a day like this in a while, especially to the degree of today's emotional level. HO tried doing a "tough love" bit on me but that didn't work... I felt it was too soon to do. Today should have been more of, "This is shitty but let it out" day.

I ended up admitted more of the "issue" to my mother. As much as it hurt to do, she was very understanding. Yes, she took 4 seconds to scold me yet took the rest of the day to be as understanding and compassionate as a person can be. It made me feel good. It truly did.

My problem though is that I can't seem to find the compassion for myself. I can't stop being upset over everything! I've been told by quite a few people that I need to be but I just can't bring myself to feel that way towards myself. For some reason, I can feel all the compassion for anyone else, who honestly & truly deserve it. Not the fucking stupid, god damn ignorant, piece of shit, basic cancers to society that I know of or have on a list of actual people I unfortunately know. It's not that I feel I belong on that list (NOT AT ALL!) but I also don't want to have compassion for myself. It's more that I'm just so pissed, let alone disappointed I could have EVER gotten into a situation like this. I feel like a hypocrite, a loser & just a stupid shit. Honestly, I'm not writing this for others to be like, "No...". I'm writing this to let people know that I'm learning more about life & it sucks. It sucks A LOT!

As a kid, I never imagined life would be this way. I imagined that life was a basic cut out & you either go this way or that way. I know its a good thing that it isn't yet to ever think it would go this way just SUCKS!!! I knew there were bad people in the world but maliciously horrendous cocksuckers who prey on people? Wow. It's just mind blowing. I know that there have been people like this since the dawn of time but how has it just gotten worse? Like really, how???

I hate I can't sleep. I hate that I think I may have to start taking something to help me sleep. I hate that I can't hire a hit man man or even just take the pleasure of getting rid of a cancer to society. I hate the system. I really am just a huge cluster fuck mess of hate right now & I hate it.

pure vent

In a span of 3 hours, today has been SUCH a roller coaster of emotions! I honestly don't remember the last time I had such a feeling of low to feeling high within 1.5 seconds.

It all started this morning-

See, I haven't been sleeping well. The past few nights, my bedtime has been around 3 am. My body is just so stressed & out of it & I hate it. So, going to bed at 3, usually nothing would wake me up 3 & 1/2 hours later... Well, at 6:15, HO called needing a ride. For me to hear, actually feel the vibrations of the phone next to my head is the ONLY reason why I picked up my phone. To get into why I had to give HO a ride would just be too long, draining & ridiculous right now but I will get into it one day... But anyways, back to the subject here, which is me... =)~

So I get up & give him a ride. I'm super tired & wondering why I'm driving but it was for a good reason. All I can think though is that I can't wait til I get home & to get back into bed. I get back, get the puppies & go back to bed to sleep... but now I can't sleep. So I figure, "Let me listen to Kevin & Bean". While listening to K&B, they mentioned they were going to have a dream interpreter. I was quite intrigued since I have always had very intense & even some recurring dreams so I figured, "Hey, I should call in"... Ok, I know that I'm on the radio often yet I call when it's a topic or a trivia game. When it's something along the lines of a mass amount of people trying to call in to be one of like 3 to be able to ask a question, it's nearly impossible... Well, what do you know? I got through!

While I was on hold, I was trying to think of what exactly to ask. I mean, I am a HUGE dream person. My father & I love talking about dreams and we always try to figure out what it all means. Of all the dreams I thought about asking, "What does this mean?", I pick a recurring one that has been around for half my life. It usually comes at least 4-6 times a year yet it has been coming more like once or twice a month. It really haunts me cuz it starts out ok yet turns scary. All it is- a big wave of water. They're not like a 5, 10, 15 foot waves- they're easily 50-100 feet tall! I can have the most normal of dreams & then out of the blue, I'm @ the beach & I start to see the build up of the wave. Through out the years, lil things change about it. I try running away/outsmarting it & the wave at times looks like its been drawn like a funny cartoon yet every time, it hits me.

I'm the last call they took on the radio. They were very nice & understanding. The guy informs me that in any dream that consists of water means emotion. Alright- huge wave of emotion. I get it. Alright, it started with being diagnosed with my thyroid condition. HUGE turning point & really affected my life/emotions thought, through out the years, I have learned to deal & take care of it. It still bothers me but I notice that these wave dreams come around when HUGE emotional stuff is going on. When I was listening to the playback, I heard myself start to tear up in the end. As much as it may have been for the thyroid, it was more for the "issue" going on.

I can't get into the "issue" just yet. Some things still need to be sorted out yet most likely, the story of the "issue" will be coming soon. Here's why:

About 15-20 mins after I was on the radio, I got just the most devastating news about it. It was official. I hit rock bottom. I was inconsolable and crying like a kid who is on the verge of throwing up & not being able to breath out of my nose. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. HOW COULD THIS BE?!?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?!? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN!?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON??? To top it off, the asshole who was giving me this information was a emotionless as fuck. I think that's what hurt even more. Then he couldn't even give me proper information so I then had to make calls & find it out myself, all while trying to compose myself. It was truly hell.

This is where it picks up- I literally just had everything sucked out of me. I don't even know how I was standing. I hung up with the nice lady who was being as helpful as possible while trying to tell me I'll be ok. Then, I get a Facebook notice on my phone. It said I had a private message sent to me & when I saw the name of the person who sent it to me, I went into shock. I then did my infamous "thinking semi-pessimistically" and figured it was a spam virus & I was a "lucky one" who got the message! Well, I was wrong! This person heard me on the radio & was excited to hear me on there. This person actually recognized my voice before they even heard it was me! I HAVEN'T SEEN/SPOKE (sans email) WITH THIS PERSON IN OVER 7 YEARS!!! and knew it was me. To even get into who this person is would take forever & 2 days but this is someone who is a very amazing human being & I have felt this way for quite sometime. If for some reason this person is reading this, thank you. You made me go from feeling like pond scam to flying high as a kite in 1.5 seconds.

Would you believe this all happened within 3 hours, all before 9:30 in the morning? Would you also believe that the last part all happened with 30 mins? Me neither... but it did.

So... to end this, I ask a question- did all this happen for a reason? Did HO needing a ride, not being able to go back to sleep, having to listen to K&B, going on the radio, get a devastating phone call to then get an amazing message all happen for a reason? If not, well, this is some funky ass world we live in...

"It's been a long time...

... Shouldn't have left you, without a dope beat to step to..."

Hi. I don't even know what to really say. To say that the past year has been a roller coaster would be an understatement. I'm ashamed, disappointed and kinda pissed that I didn't write on here when it probably would have helped me release some of the stuff that I needed to. The problem was I just couldn't bring myself to. I didn't have the energy. It just sucked. I know I've said/mentioned something like this about 6 months ago but it seemed like everything just took a nosedive and I just lost a lot of motivation. I hope that I will one day be able to write about everything that has happened but as of right now, it's probably not best until everything is done, taken care of & the outcome is what I would want it to be or just at least a positive one.

As of right now, I'm getting a lil better. I actually just got laid off and as much as that would be looked @ as a bad thing, it's actually the best thing for me right now. I need time to fix myself emotionally, mentally & physically. I'm calling this my "Carpe Diem" moment. 

In a way to get back into the swing of things, I'm going to try to come on here to write. You know, I don't find myself to be a great, even good, writer but I want to try & be. Even if I just come on here & post pics of the "PUPPIES", it's doing something! 

There are a few posts from tax season that I finally posted & I'll try posting tonight or tomorrow my "25 things" & "50 questions". 37 years later but it'll finally be done! 

So for those who read this, yes, I'm here, semi-functioning and trying to just get on with life.

Thanks for coming by & take care,

Me =)