things on my mind-

- I'm hungry but I'm not.
- how weird/emotional/odd/shitty this whole week has been
- that I actually haven't watched THAT much TV this week (for me, uber bizarre!)
- remembering how I blacked out when Chris Daughtry got kicked off of AI (the 5th season is on the TV Guide channel right now)
- hoping that the MRI doesn't say I f-ed up my knee hardcore (i.e.- nothing is torn)
- hoping I have a really nice night tomorrow
- trying to become motivated to writing on here again...

here's hoping. =)

Getting Better

So I'm starting to sleep again... Actually it's become the opposite where I now just want to sleep! I think it's moved from emotional stress to emotional exhaustion but as ridiculous as it sounds, I would rather sleep than not... Other than being in Vegas, I have never stayed up, especially just laying in bed in the dark, all night at home before & well, it was shitty.

For some reason last night, the song, "All Cried Out" got into my head & so I looked up the lyrics. Sans it being about a relationship, this is basically how I eventually want to end up... I am happy to say about 77% there yet I just need to release the last 23%. That will most likely happen by the end of the week!

If you don't know the song or can't remember it, I linked it in the title. I was originally was going to post the mid 90's remake but I thought that we all (well, maybe just me) needs a good laugh & to feel a lil better so I have posted it OG with Lisa Lisa & the Cult Jam. Enjoy an "as legit as it was" 80's video!

All Cried Out

[Girl]
All alone on a Sunday morning
Outside I see the rain is falling, whoa...
Inside I'm slowly dying
But the rain will hide my crying, crying, crying
And you
Don't you know my tears will burn the pillow
Set this place on fire 'cause I'm tired of your lies
All I needed was a simple "Hello"
But the traffic was so noisy that you could not hear my cry

I, I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure
My heart never knew such pain
And you, you leave me so confused
Now I'm all cried out
Over you

[Boy]
Oh you, all over you, ooh....

Never wanted to see things your way
I had to go astray
Oh, why was I such a fool
Now I see that the grass is greener [Girl: Why, oh why...]
Is it too late for me to find my way home
How could I be so wrong?

[Girl]
Leaving me all alone

Don't you know the hurt will cause an inferno
Romance up in flames
Why should I take the blame?
You were the one who left me neglected [Boy: Oh, no no no...I'm so sorry]
Apology not accepted
Add me to the broken hearts you've collected

I, I gave you all of me [Boy: Gave me all of you]
How was I to know
You would weaken so easily
I, I don't know what to do
Now I'm all cried out [Boy: I'm all...]
Over you [Boy: All cried out too...whoa, whao..]

[Girl]
I, I gave you my love in vain
My body never knew such pleasure
My heart never knew such pain
And you

[Boy]
I left you so confused!
Now I'm all cried out

[Girl]
Now I'm all cried out
Over you......

ugh, this sucks.

**Editor's note: Flat out- I'm a mess. Because of that, some posts may be really strong & emotionally driven. Things will come out that some people won't agree with & some that may make others think I should be in a padded room. Please know that I am on here to show I don't need the padded room. When I'm not & you're worried, then contact to make sure I wasn't transferred to one.**

It's 2:06 am & I can't sleep. Today really kicked my ass. I haven't had a day like this in a while, especially to the degree of today's emotional level. HO tried doing a "tough love" bit on me but that didn't work... I felt it was too soon to do. Today should have been more of, "This is shitty but let it out" day.

I ended up admitted more of the "issue" to my mother. As much as it hurt to do, she was very understanding. Yes, she took 4 seconds to scold me yet took the rest of the day to be as understanding and compassionate as a person can be. It made me feel good. It truly did.

My problem though is that I can't seem to find the compassion for myself. I can't stop being upset over everything! I've been told by quite a few people that I need to be but I just can't bring myself to feel that way towards myself. For some reason, I can feel all the compassion for anyone else, who honestly & truly deserve it. Not the fucking stupid, god damn ignorant, piece of shit, basic cancers to society that I know of or have on a list of actual people I unfortunately know. It's not that I feel I belong on that list (NOT AT ALL!) but I also don't want to have compassion for myself. It's more that I'm just so pissed, let alone disappointed I could have EVER gotten into a situation like this. I feel like a hypocrite, a loser & just a stupid shit. Honestly, I'm not writing this for others to be like, "No...". I'm writing this to let people know that I'm learning more about life & it sucks. It sucks A LOT!

As a kid, I never imagined life would be this way. I imagined that life was a basic cut out & you either go this way or that way. I know its a good thing that it isn't yet to ever think it would go this way just SUCKS!!! I knew there were bad people in the world but maliciously horrendous cocksuckers who prey on people? Wow. It's just mind blowing. I know that there have been people like this since the dawn of time but how has it just gotten worse? Like really, how???

I hate I can't sleep. I hate that I think I may have to start taking something to help me sleep. I hate that I can't hire a hit man man or even just take the pleasure of getting rid of a cancer to society. I hate the system. I really am just a huge cluster fuck mess of hate right now & I hate it.

pure vent

In a span of 3 hours, today has been SUCH a roller coaster of emotions! I honestly don't remember the last time I had such a feeling of low to feeling high within 1.5 seconds.

It all started this morning-

See, I haven't been sleeping well. The past few nights, my bedtime has been around 3 am. My body is just so stressed & out of it & I hate it. So, going to bed at 3, usually nothing would wake me up 3 & 1/2 hours later... Well, at 6:15, HO called needing a ride. For me to hear, actually feel the vibrations of the phone next to my head is the ONLY reason why I picked up my phone. To get into why I had to give HO a ride would just be too long, draining & ridiculous right now but I will get into it one day... But anyways, back to the subject here, which is me... =)~

So I get up & give him a ride. I'm super tired & wondering why I'm driving but it was for a good reason. All I can think though is that I can't wait til I get home & to get back into bed. I get back, get the puppies & go back to bed to sleep... but now I can't sleep. So I figure, "Let me listen to Kevin & Bean". While listening to K&B, they mentioned they were going to have a dream interpreter. I was quite intrigued since I have always had very intense & even some recurring dreams so I figured, "Hey, I should call in"... Ok, I know that I'm on the radio often yet I call when it's a topic or a trivia game. When it's something along the lines of a mass amount of people trying to call in to be one of like 3 to be able to ask a question, it's nearly impossible... Well, what do you know? I got through!

While I was on hold, I was trying to think of what exactly to ask. I mean, I am a HUGE dream person. My father & I love talking about dreams and we always try to figure out what it all means. Of all the dreams I thought about asking, "What does this mean?", I pick a recurring one that has been around for half my life. It usually comes at least 4-6 times a year yet it has been coming more like once or twice a month. It really haunts me cuz it starts out ok yet turns scary. All it is- a big wave of water. They're not like a 5, 10, 15 foot waves- they're easily 50-100 feet tall! I can have the most normal of dreams & then out of the blue, I'm @ the beach & I start to see the build up of the wave. Through out the years, lil things change about it. I try running away/outsmarting it & the wave at times looks like its been drawn like a funny cartoon yet every time, it hits me.

I'm the last call they took on the radio. They were very nice & understanding. The guy informs me that in any dream that consists of water means emotion. Alright- huge wave of emotion. I get it. Alright, it started with being diagnosed with my thyroid condition. HUGE turning point & really affected my life/emotions thought, through out the years, I have learned to deal & take care of it. It still bothers me but I notice that these wave dreams come around when HUGE emotional stuff is going on. When I was listening to the playback, I heard myself start to tear up in the end. As much as it may have been for the thyroid, it was more for the "issue" going on.

I can't get into the "issue" just yet. Some things still need to be sorted out yet most likely, the story of the "issue" will be coming soon. Here's why:

About 15-20 mins after I was on the radio, I got just the most devastating news about it. It was official. I hit rock bottom. I was inconsolable and crying like a kid who is on the verge of throwing up & not being able to breath out of my nose. I just couldn't believe what I was hearing. HOW COULD THIS BE?!?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!?!? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN!?!?! WHAT IS GOING ON??? To top it off, the asshole who was giving me this information was a emotionless as fuck. I think that's what hurt even more. Then he couldn't even give me proper information so I then had to make calls & find it out myself, all while trying to compose myself. It was truly hell.

This is where it picks up- I literally just had everything sucked out of me. I don't even know how I was standing. I hung up with the nice lady who was being as helpful as possible while trying to tell me I'll be ok. Then, I get a Facebook notice on my phone. It said I had a private message sent to me & when I saw the name of the person who sent it to me, I went into shock. I then did my infamous "thinking semi-pessimistically" and figured it was a spam virus & I was a "lucky one" who got the message! Well, I was wrong! This person heard me on the radio & was excited to hear me on there. This person actually recognized my voice before they even heard it was me! I HAVEN'T SEEN/SPOKE (sans email) WITH THIS PERSON IN OVER 7 YEARS!!! and knew it was me. To even get into who this person is would take forever & 2 days but this is someone who is a very amazing human being & I have felt this way for quite sometime. If for some reason this person is reading this, thank you. You made me go from feeling like pond scam to flying high as a kite in 1.5 seconds.

Would you believe this all happened within 3 hours, all before 9:30 in the morning? Would you also believe that the last part all happened with 30 mins? Me neither... but it did.

So... to end this, I ask a question- did all this happen for a reason? Did HO needing a ride, not being able to go back to sleep, having to listen to K&B, going on the radio, get a devastating phone call to then get an amazing message all happen for a reason? If not, well, this is some funky ass world we live in...

"It's been a long time...

... Shouldn't have left you, without a dope beat to step to..."

Hi. I don't even know what to really say. To say that the past year has been a roller coaster would be an understatement. I'm ashamed, disappointed and kinda pissed that I didn't write on here when it probably would have helped me release some of the stuff that I needed to. The problem was I just couldn't bring myself to. I didn't have the energy. It just sucked. I know I've said/mentioned something like this about 6 months ago but it seemed like everything just took a nosedive and I just lost a lot of motivation. I hope that I will one day be able to write about everything that has happened but as of right now, it's probably not best until everything is done, taken care of & the outcome is what I would want it to be or just at least a positive one.

As of right now, I'm getting a lil better. I actually just got laid off and as much as that would be looked @ as a bad thing, it's actually the best thing for me right now. I need time to fix myself emotionally, mentally & physically. I'm calling this my "Carpe Diem" moment. 

In a way to get back into the swing of things, I'm going to try to come on here to write. You know, I don't find myself to be a great, even good, writer but I want to try & be. Even if I just come on here & post pics of the "PUPPIES", it's doing something! 

There are a few posts from tax season that I finally posted & I'll try posting tonight or tomorrow my "25 things" & "50 questions". 37 years later but it'll finally be done! 

So for those who read this, yes, I'm here, semi-functioning and trying to just get on with life.

Thanks for coming by & take care,

Me =)

I'm back!

So after last week of wanting to throw myself in "puppy lake" & just end it ALL, thanks to the massive head cold & bronchitis I got, I am now back on the road with my dad! Here we go-

10:27- Arrive at our first appt. in Chino (approx. 35 mins from where we live) & they are actually new clients that were referred to us by a VERY good & close family friend of ours. It's a couple with a 8 month old baby girl. The woman is my age. Well, actually, I'm older than her, which I find weird cuz I sometimes can't wrap my mind that I should really call & consider myself a woman but I still think I'm about 10-15 years younger than my actual age! I know, I'm odd. Ya don't need to remind me of that! :)~

Anyways, the chick (there we go, I'll use the word chick!) is Hawaiian & is a Hawaiian dancer. She does competitions all around! Her & her lil family seem really sweet & she has a head on her shoulders. She, as we speak, is working at a law firm AND is also going to school to become a lawyer! Woot for her! I could NEVER go to law school... Too much for me!

Also, everything turned out really well doing their return & my dad told her & her husband how to properly claim on their W-4s! All & all, good experience! Glad they were referred to us...

OH!!! I almost forgot! Talk about small world shit! So as much as LBS thinks I am an asshole & thinks that I talk shit about her & call her a bitch, I talk about how much of an AMAZING manager she is @ her salon. See, whenever I mention my sister is a manager of a tanning salon, I usually get the "Oh. That's nice.", assuming that she's an airhead & doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground... Well, let me tell you, that is SO far from the truth! My sister is truly brilliant & knows her shit when it comes to the tanning industry! She goes to conventions, has taken classes on the side to learn about different products & beds and teaching her employees how to become better at their jobs! My sister has such a repartee with most of her clients that a lot of them always stay around & talk to her! LBS has done mind blowing things to that salon and the owner should be on his hands & knees EVERY night thanking the heavens she came into his life. If it wasn't for her, he would so be up shits creek without a damn paddle! She runs everything for him while he can go & either work somewhere else or take care of other things in his life... So small world shit- the chick we just went to see has gone a few times to my sister's salon to tan and was never informed of the salon before by our family friend! Small world...

On to the next house...

11:36- At our next house. My father & I for the life of us could not figure out where we were going! Turns out they're clients who used to live in Anaheim (which is approx. 25-30 from Corona) near where my grandparents. My dad actually tried to talk them into buying my grandparents place when it was on the market again but they decided to move here. At least its an older house. The reason for being appreciative of that- when you buy a home out in Riverside & San Bernadino counties that was built in about the mid 90's to about now, you're paying an extra tax called Mella-Roos.

Looks like this was a quickie so we're on our way!

12:27- At a house in corona valley, aka- a "city" that was created about 7 years ago due to ALL the new houses that were being built in corona (riverside county). We have quite a few clients out here. At least you can say that these houses are beautiful...

So this house we're at right now has a semi-funny yet irritating for them story. See, for some reason, whenever we're schedule to come to their house, we're either unbelievably late (like 2-3 hours) or we have to reschedule them! Today, we were about 30 mins early & they were in shock! Hell, the wife went shopping cuz she knows we're always late! My dad finished their return within 20 mins & the wife came home right when he was done! She was in shocked!

Alright, on to the next house!

2:12- So we're now at a client's house that my dad has known for about 30 years. I will flat out say that they are one of my favorites! I met them about 5 years ago. When I met the wife, she told me this incredible story about my uncle Jorge- about 30 years when she was applying for a job, she couldn't read or write in English. Well, it turned out she was applying to work where my uncle did & he saw that she was struggling so he helped her fill out her job application & because of him, she got the job & got to retire there after, whew, like 35 years! That was the type of man my uncle Jorge was but I'll tell the story about him later....

Well, let's actually go back to this morning before we even left the house- I was in the kitchen, getting ready for the day when the phone ran. It was the wife of this great couple. She called cuz she wanted to make us a nice meal for when we went over to see them this afternoon. I was so touched to have someone think & care for us like that! So she started naming off things she could make us & she then mentioned some carnitas that she had for us a few years ago & I yelled, "YES!". I've been waiting ALL day for this meal....

There was a reason why she also wanted to make us this meal- See, last year when we went to their house, my dad (I think) was going into some kind of diabetic shock. About 2 houses before them, my dad has these clients who have oranges in their backyard that you would maybe only find @ a farmer's market! They're huge, sweet & the juice is out of this world! My dad praises the juice yet he doesn't realize that being a diabetic, ON INSULIN, he can NOT drink that stuff or maybe he can have a small cup to taste it. Well, despite all my warnings & trying to care for him, he had about 3-5 FULL glasses of orange juice. I was pretty pissed. Not as pissed as I was when we were at this couple's house & he starts saying, "um, my vision is blurry". Then informs me, "Oh, I don't feel well". I look @ him and he's all clammy, pale and just looks ill! He eventually goes to lay down & I just start to tear up. The fantastic couple tried to help out by giving him water & the wife made him a salad with olive oil dressing. They helped me take care of him & I was truly grateful for their generosity...

And that's the reason for the meal she made us! She also made my dad this really colorful salad that he had 2 big servings of! The meal was absolutely everything I imagined it would be, maybe even better! Even though I ate like a damn pig, still thinking of the food makes my mouth water!

Since we were so early, we end up staying for about 2 hours just visiting & talking with the couple! It was a perfect treat to a pretty good day so far. I will DEFINITELY be sending a Thank You card to her for everything her & her husband did for us! Oh & she even gave us the rest of the carnitas & beans! I left as a very happy lil manatee!

On to the next house.....

4:30-ish - We get to the house in Colton & the people thought it was for next weekend. It worked out cuz we'll be about 2 miles away from them next week.

I inform my father that I'm going to go find a AT&T store b/c my phone is on the verge of death & my car charger is dead! So while he went to see the new client, who we find out that the last guy who did his past tax returns claimed he has about $26,000 of job "expenses" when he gets a W-2, I was going to try & find an AT&T store... Well, it was a lil adventure. See, for most of you who may read this, you have NO idea where or what the city of Colton looks like. It's truly one of the MAJOR armpits of Southern California! Yet according to the navigation system, it said I was about a mile & a half away from one. So I punch it in & let it take me there. When I arrive to the address, it was a residential area. I could have gone up to the door & asked if they sold a car charger for a blackberry but I was pretty sure my response would have been, "QUE?!" So no luck on the car charger& my phone will most likely die in a matter of an hour but at least it was a lil adventure around the even MORE ghetto side of COLTON!

Go pick up dad & end up going back to Corona Valley for the last 3 appts. of the night...

6:17- Ok, I am in shock! What I am witnessing here I NEVER thought I would hear or see! Brace yourselves, this is a heartbreaking story!

Alright, I have also known these people for about 4-5 years now. When I met them, they were trying their hardest to have a baby, even going to MEXICO to do IVF treatments!!! (BTW- side note, we had come by this house earlier yet the husband had to go run an errand about 30 mins away. We didn't think much of it since EVERYONE knows my dad runs late & they probably thought, "oh my appt. is at 2, I'll be home by 3:30!" We took alot of people by surprise today! But for some reason, I asked my dad, "Why did they go to Mexico to do IVF? Did they not have insurance?" Well, the answer was no. I then understood why they went down there, since it was cheaper, yet I mentioned to my dad, "I wonder if there would any side affects for going down there...." OK, back to the story!)

So we walk inside and I had noticed that the wife was missing. I found it out since she always greeted us & she was the one that had everything ready & prepared for us. I must have taken my time walking in cuz all I heard was, "She's living at her mom's" & "I think it's over". The guy went to go get some more stuff & I looked @ my dad & he gave me a look like, "Yup, you heard right." I was just like, "NOO!!!!" but in a whisper.

My dad does his best to do the tax return to the best of his abilities since the wife took like ALL the paperwork! He only had a few things but I guess he's going to try & get the rest of it.

Ok, fair warning- this is a truly sad story. Just thinking of it, it gives me the "sads" all over again...

**Editor's note- After writing the whole incident, I informed my folks & PH that I mentioned it in my blog. Well, they think that due to the nature of the story & how devastatingly sad it is that I should take that part out. To sum up what basically happened to the couple- the wife pulled a "Chris Brown" b/c she has turned into "Britney being locked up in her bathroom, before they wheeled her off to the psych ward"! Yeah. =(

7:49- Now that I am this distraught mess, we end up at this really cool & really funny couple's house. It worked out perfectly that they were after our last appt b/c they were not only able to make my dad & I laugh but they were also a half a mile away! Both the husband & wife work for the county as engineers & make a pretty decent living at it! Right when we're about to leave, the husband gives me this HUGE 42 oz. bag of M&Ms & says, "Here. These are for your mom. She'll know why she's getting them." I'm all confused so I go outside to call her & she remembered that b/c she squeezed him in for today, she told him the payment for doing that would be a bag of M&Ms. When I told her it was a 42 oz. bag, she was all, "DAMN! I just wanted a small bag but hell, it'll last!"

Done here. Off to the last house of the night!

8:57- Man, I thought this would be kind of a quickie but it's FAR from that! The worst part? They don't even have everything they need! It's not their fault though. It's amazing how much of assholes companies are these days. These people were still waiting for some 1099s yet about 4-6 companies hadn't sent them out yet! 1099s & W-2s are due to the Feds by the 28th of this month, let alone to everyone else!

So the background story about these people- The husband was making great money at a company doing pavement work & whatnot. Well, he decided that he should just go out on his own. Can I just say that in the time that I have been going out with my dad, people who try to go into business for themselves usually don't succeed. I would say 1 out of, oh, I don't know, 25 make it. It's probably even higher! It's really sad b/c you wish these people the best yet you also have to fair warn them that it's a HUGE risk. Honestly, I don't know that many people who have been successful in running their own business & it really just all ends in heartbreak.

The wife is the epitome of organized. She has everything in order & can really inform & show my dad everything that has happened. Well, in the 2 years that her husband has been doing this, they have been scrapping by. She even had to take money out of her 401k to be able to live. Now the guy realizes his mistake. He tried to go back to his old job but they had their own lay offs so he either needs to go forward with his business or find somewhere else.

We spend about an hour & a half there. The tax return is no where near done. Well, I'm done & I want to go home! We leave @ around 10:30-ish....

11:15- FINALLY home!!!! OH! I forgot to mention this- when I was in Colton, trying to find the damn AT&T store, HO called me. He informed me on his lottery ticket luck. He bought a ticket & won another ticket. So when he went to get another, he won $2! So he went to get another & won $10!! He took it as a sign that he was having a streak of good luck so he wanted to see if I wanted to go to the casinos with him. I told him that we should be home around 9:30-ish & he said, "Alright, call me when you get home". Yeah.... I called & he was asleep & I was super tired but we're still determined to go! I know THAT will be a story on it's own so when it happened, I'll definitely share!

Alright, I'm going to bed! I'm exhausted....

ttyl,

me =)

Unfortunately...

No blogging on the road for me today... I am sicker than a damn animal & all I want to do is sleep & take drugs! I feel really bad though b/c this is my first time in about 4-5 years that I have missed a Saturday going with my dad. I really feel that I should go but I know if I do, I'll just make everything worse for me, my dad & even for the guys at work! I just need to nip this shit in the butt & get on with life! 

Here's hoping for sleep, soup & cough medicine with codeine! 

Til next time,

me =(